In today's post we'll be talking about fear, and the attachments we have to certain ways of living our lives, to eating in a certain way, to cooking in a certain way, and how changes can be scary and how we can move past that. This is especially helpful to work through when you're contemplating such a big dietary and lifestyle change such as going vegan.
We'll discuss why lots of people got angry at a hot dog recently, why going against the mainstream can be so tough, and why we ourselves sometimes carry judgements that make changes a bit scarier than they should be. We'll also talk about some simple questions you can ask yourself when the road gets rocky, to go from "I'm fearful of this change", to, "this little part actually seems doable!", and we'll talk about how sometimes it's the fear of change in our loved ones and the world around us that keeps us from giving things a try.
Although veganism has been around for years, and now it's becoming more and more mainstream in many places, we're still "out there", kind of at the cutting edge, eating and cooking in a way that to some people is still completely alien and foreign. I have a close friend that always tells me that the reason I'm a happy vegan, and the reason why I'm not afraid to take these topics to new places is because I'm fearless. I can tell you right now that that is SO not the case.
I've always been a bit out there with the things I'm reading, doing and researching, always a bit further out in the future of these topics, but I've always made changes in spite of my fear, not in the absence of it.
When I decided to go vegan, an example I'm using because it was such a big change in my life, I was so afraid of what people would say and think, I was afraid my social life would be over, I was afraid I would never enjoy a meal again, I was afraid the jokes that were starting to come my way as I told my barbecue buddies I was vegan would never end. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to stick with it. In fact, I postponed making this change for the simple reason that I was afraid of what Carlos, my husband, would think when I told him.
I had to face all of those fears, understand where I was coming from, in order to move past them and hold on to the inspiration and motivation I had. It was about moving forward with fear by my side, not through rejecting it and letting it run the show, because most of the things fear told me might happen, never actually happened.
When it comes to food and our eating habits in particular, fear can come from our own attachments to food and from the world around us. I'm seeing this more and more as veganism becomes more mainstream. In Italy, the land of parmigiano reggiano, there are now anti vegan facebook groups and clubs, in spite of the fact that so much of their natural authentic cuisine is one of the most vegan friendly cuisines in the world. In the US, chef extraordinaire Joe Yonan received online hatred of the worst kind the other day when he posted a recipe for carrot hotdogs, and people called him anti-American. Although I have strong opinions about carrot dogs (mainly: don't try to convert a grilling bbq meat eater with a carrot dog, try a Field Roast one first), all of this resistance shows us two things: we have attachments to the way things are done and have been done (including the way we ourselves do them), and there's fear of how things will change if we embrace a new change in paradigm.
You can apply these two factors to anything involving change and you'll quickly see how we are creatures of habit, and how a culture that fears change can influence us to fearing change too. Add to that the fact that most humans love habit and routine (our brains are wired for it), how we love our comfort zone and sometimes fear new experiences, and there's no wonder changes as big as the way we eat and the way we cook are difficult. There's simply so much fear attached. Fear of losing what we know and fear of the unknown.
When in fear...
So many of us fear that making a change like going vegan means we won't be able to find ourselves in it. That we'll be lost and uncomfortable. That we'll lose that comfy anchor that keeps us safe in our space and close to the people we love. We fear things will be too hard too fast. We fear the idea that we might become the different one and stand out. We also fear that we won't be able to do it perfectly and that we'll fail.
So let's address the two big pink elephants in the room:
Fear of not belonging.
Fear of failure.
You've heard me talk about how we are all worried about being different and not belonging. I know how hard this is because it's been one of the big life lessons I've had to learn. I've been on that quest for belonging for most of my life given that my life circumstances were always so different from everyone else's. What I didn't know back then, is that belonging has nothing to do with the specifics of your life, it has nothing to do with being the same as everyone else. In fact, it was going vegan which helped me find belonging most of all, simply because I found myself when I let go of what I thought people wanted me to be. When I was able to be true to myself, and honest with who I truly was, I realized I belonged deeply and perfectly with the people I loved, even if we were different. When I stopped apologizing and hiding the fact that I was different, I felt accepted by others simply because I had accepted myself.
You've also heard me talk about perfectionism so many times, and it's because, just as I'm an expert in worrying about very unlikely trouble scenarios, I also have a black belt in the trap of perfectionism. Losing the grip it had on me was huge when it came to finding a peaceful place with the changes I was making, especially when it came to the way I eat and relate to my body.
When I started to feel I belonged by just being who I was, I stopped feeling the need to be so perfect all the time. When I let go of perfection, I lowered the volume on the fear of failure. I went from having a desperate need to finish first in the race, to stopping to enjoy the view along the way.
So rule number one: to let go of perfection, let's first let go of the fear we won't belong, and the fear of what other's might think.
Once we've done that, rule number two is: to let go of the fear of change, let's first let go of the fear we won't be perfect.
Two magic questions
Now that we've dismantled the fear of not belonging, and the fear of failure, let's talk about the fear that we won't be perfect in whatever change we're feeling motivated to make.
We all know and would teach a child that sometimes trying to be perfect can be the enemy of actually trying. We fear that we'll be judged for not mastering something right off the bat. We postpone something that's important because we feel it's not the right time to do it "just right". We fear we will lose control if we can't do it perfectly. We fear we will feel disappointed or let down if we can't do it perfectly. We disregard the journey, and that the journey is the most fun part! Instead we focus on the end goal, not realizing that everything in the journey is allowed. You can have good days, bad days, detours, pot holes in the middle of the road, great triumphs, great boulders you need to go around or climb, days in which you're second guessing everything and days in which you feel you could teach a master class on the subject. Perfectionism is such a trap though, that we go from possibility and trying, to the extremes of all or nothing. I lived in the extremes all my life, and all I can tell you is this: it's so nice and sunny in the middle!
If this is what is preventing you from making changes you've been feeling motivated to try, and if the extremes haven't been working, I have two little questions that might help:
1) What would feel doable right now?
We're so hooked on productivity and hustle these days, that we forget there are many places in between, and that often, changes are even more fun and practical when we take things at our own pace. We have this idea that we're all the same, that what worked for someone else will work for us, but so many factors go into our habits and personalities, which is why I always tell you about the importance of finding YOUR way. By asking yourself "what feels doable right now?", you are reminding yourself that you can choose and you can start. You're in the driver's seat, and starting with something is 500 times better than not starting at all because you fear you can't go all the way.
2) What would feel like a first step I can handle right now?
Finding a little first step and just focusing on that, while acknowledging that it still might be scary, is a great place to begin.
When I first got started with being more mindful and present when I ate (after years of overeating and using food as my only coping tool), I started noticing that it was nearly impossible to practice mindful eating at every meal. Half of the time I would remember when I was washing the dishes afterwards. So what did I do? I took a baby step, and that baby step was to pause and take a few breaths before I ate. That's it. That's where I got started. Soon I was able to add noticing the tastes and textures of the food to that. Then I started adding checking in with my hunger and fulness signals.
By going a step at a time, things didn't feel so scary.
Remembering that slow is good, that fast is good, that however you need to get there is good, we're releasing some of the pressure, and we're incorporating the fear and acknowledging that it's there, instead of ignoring it or letting it run the show.
When Others Fear the Changes We're Going Through
Hopefully you won't be in Joe Yonan's shoes with people making fun of you on National television, or threatening to put you on the grill next time you bring your veggie hotdogs, but still, you've probably encountered many reactions whenever you've made a choice that goes against the norm.
Even when comments from others feel like worry, or anger, or disappointment, so many times these stem from fear. Our loved ones fear we will change, they fear we are rejecting the past shared together and our traditions, they fear changing themselves or feeling like you'll be judging them if they don't.
This morning, as I went out for a run, a little dog was barking at every single runner that tried to go into the park. He was in the entrance of the park barking and running after each and every one of us. After the angry little dog had entered the park, I noticed everything shifted. He suddenly greeted every single runner inside with a smile and a sniff, no barks in sight. Outside of the park everyone was a stranger. Inside the park, everyone was enjoying a run, including him.
I thought it was such a perfect metaphor for the reactions we sometimes get from people when they first hear us declare that we've made a big change in our lives (going vegan in particular). So many of our loved ones will react to this news out of fear, so instead of declaring our change to the world in a way that says "I'm here and you're not", I think we need to see that we're all really in the same park running together. We're all pretty much the same, just in different stages of the process. We can try new changes and go on new adventures and still fall off. We can share with our loved ones that we're trying to implement changes, and include them in both the triumphs and share how some days it's a bit harder. By doing this we go from "us and them" to "all of us". As in all of us are trying our best, and all of us are having triumphs and struggles.
The important thing is that we don't let fear run the show by taking us to the all or the nothing, but by realizing that we can acknowledge the fear and take the scary parts one step at a time, without the need to be perfect.
We can let go of the fear that we won't belong and then start releasing the need to be perfect. We can include the hard with the good and feel that we're all in the park together.
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